This Life

Yesterday was my last day at the aquarium.

I had wrapped up all of my major projects about a week a go. So, I had a lot of time to just be on the property without any extra responsibility other than managing staff.

I spent the last few days talking with the biologists, some of which I now consider great friends.
I hung out with the animals~ feeding, observing and appreciating them.  I walked the grounds and took in the beauty of the space.  It was a wonderful way to say good-bye to a job I really did love.

There was no anticipation or anxiety about "what's next" as I was winding down the chapter.  It felt completely natural.

I was asked if I was excited about leaving... While I am so happy to be able to be home with my kiddo and teach and write and live more fully, I am also sad.  I enjoy the work. There is a  hopefulness and optimism about the great possibilities the career offers.  So, no I'm not excited. 

I am grateful for an experience that was completely unexpected.  I am thankful that I have new friends and a new perspective.

But this morning I didn't set an alarm.  When I did wake up there was no hurry, no place to be.  I did a few chores. Had coffee with my husband.  I settled into a way of living that is truthful to who I am.

What are you going to do?

So, I cried.... but I did the thing. 

I had played the conversation over and over in my head.  I knew exactly what I was going to say and how I was going to say it. 

Then.  Then damn it, the tears. 

Do I wish I hadn't gotten emotional?  Yes. 
Yes, because once the waterworks began I lost my train of thought. And probably a little respect. 

Mostly no though.  I am not ashamed that I felt something and that I was overwhelmed by it.  It means I'm not hard.  I'm not jaded.  It's truthful to who I am.  And I think I might have been losing a little of that part of myself trying to work in the box of a 50+ an hour work week. 

I feel horrible for not making it work.... professionally. 
Personally, a tremendous weight has been lifted.  At the end of the day my life and choices are mine and I have to feel confident that I did what was necessary to be happy.
The time at the job, though I loved what I was doing... it wrecked me.I was tired ALL the time.  I was feeling so much guilt for not being present as a mother, wife and friend.
And then I was reminded that not all things we love to do have to drain us while we give.  The things that light our soul on fire and energize us as we pour our energy into them... those are the things that we should do.

When going through the process of making the decision  a friend pointed out that I wasn't happy anymore.  No matter what I had been doing before... I had been happy. 

I was losing my light.

I was asked (as I sniffled through the conversation), "What are you going to do?" This bothered me SO much.  But,  it also solidified my decision to leave.
Because 'what I do' for money does not define me.
Will I have to get creative so I can still contribute financially?  Definitely.  Will it be challenging?  Is there sacrifice?  Of course, yes.

I would rather define myself by living (and working) in a way that is open to possibility.  

I have been trying to teach this philosophy to my daughter since day 1.  I just forgot for a little while. 

The view from here, from this place of possibility is looking bright.  And my heart is a whole lot lighter.

The very best part is the time I am getting with my people, my tribe and my kid.  For me, nothing else matters as much.  Nor does anything compare.

Set Yourself Free...

I give complete effort.  I pour myself into what speaks to me.... or what needs to be done.
I would (and have) worked myself into unnecessary living  because I thought 'it' was more important to see things through.
I also realize that life is too short to continue down a path that doesn't serve happiness.

I know what makes me happy.  I know where to find my joy.  Sometimes I ignore that path because it's not always possible to be in the life you want... sometimes you have to be in the moment of creation of that reality.
It takes time.  It takes sacrifice.  But sacrifice comes in many different forms.

It's also realizing your truth.  And being in that truth is not always sunshine and daisies.  SOMETIMES it's dealing with the bullshit for a few hours to have a month of joy.  As long as there is something to keep you on course.

My course has changed.

Right now.  I am trying to adjust.  I know where I want to be.  But, there is a block and obligations with responsibilities I have committed myself too.  There are future plans that might be affected.
And I loathe it.  I loathe this wait time. This patience.   Not because I want to be irresponsible... rather two different worlds of responsibility are calling to me.  I know the path I want.  And I'm not sure if I'm waiting to move or if I can't.

I have discussed the future of both paths with my Hubs and my friends. I have pondered and contemplated.

We all know the truth; everything could end tomorrow.  So the question becomes, "Have I lived my life in a way that when I leave I have no regrets."

And right now, if I don't make a change, I will have regrets.  They're not here yet.... but the seeds have been planted.