Grounded in my Truth

 

 

 

Time for some Moxie

There are times when my mantra of 'finding my way, living this dream' seems to really resonate.  Then there are days like today...

I haven't been feeling a 100%.  Lethargy and stuffiness.  Nothing to be concerned about.  But there has been just enough affliction and there is  nothing pressing on this Sunday.... so I have been lazy.

And now, as the day is winding down I am stepping out of the haze and have decided I need some productivity.

Unfortunately, there really isn't anything to be done on Sunday evening this Labor day weekend.  My hubs is working and won't be home until later.  Coco loco has headed off to sleep.  And I am pushing back against the melancholy that always follows days like this.  Days when I wish I had done something.  Anything.  Days that I missed out on.

The occasional lazy day is fine by me.  And truthfully, I really was not feeling like myself today.   Telling myself that right now feels like a cop out though.

I know I should have put my book down and gotten off the couch.
I wish I had spent more time with my yoga practice.

I didn't do either of those things... or anything else for that matter.  

So now, now is the time to set a new intention for myself.  One that I have been resisting for awhile because there have been a thousand other reasons.... and in all honesty I have procrastinated.  I am very big into procrastination. 

It's time to find my creativity again.  It is time to refocus my energy... now that I have it.  It's time to be the best version of my creative self.

 
 Lately it seems as if so many of my friends are having their own sort of creative revolution.  While I am so proud of their accomplishments and determination, I am regretting the lack of my own.  I have abandoned all forms of  creative art~writing, painting, photography.... shit even baking has been off limits.

Now I have a choice.  I can continue to consume myself and my time with 'what ifs' or 'when I can get around to its'.  Or, I can just fucking get over myself and be prepared to fail.  Because, really, that (failure) is the worst thing that could happen.

Figuratively lighting my creative fire isn't actually going to start a literal, earthly maelstrom. 

Will I have failed if I try?

Do I know where or how to tune into my creative self?  Maybe, kind of.... I think.

I know it's going to take moxie.  And I think I might still have a little of that in me. ;)

Transitions

My amazing husband is in beast mode~ working as much and as hard as he can until the season slows down here in paradise. We both know it's coming. And when all of the tourists take their leave for the fall... That's when we will play! 

So, for now, he's a work aholic, and I am on planning and prep for this next season of our life. 

Not having a paying job doesn't mean I'm slacking. In fact, my days are filling up. But instead of the never-ending to do list in the office, now-NOW I am making sure my kiddo's needs are fully met.  At the same time filling my tank with the things that bring me joy. 

I am super excited to be working with my great friend at Serenity Eco Guides where I will be teaching again. 

I have been researching and deciding on curriculum for this next homeschool year. 

There has been major organization in and around our home. Which after a year I finally am able to do. 

Then there is the time... Time to enjoy this remarkable place we get to call home. 

And... Coco and I made a quick trip to St. augustine to spend some time with my best friend and see family. 

Life is beautiful. And I am grateful for every second of it. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Life

Yesterday was my last day at the aquarium.

I had wrapped up all of my major projects about a week a go. So, I had a lot of time to just be on the property without any extra responsibility other than managing staff.

I spent the last few days talking with the biologists, some of which I now consider great friends.
I hung out with the animals~ feeding, observing and appreciating them.  I walked the grounds and took in the beauty of the space.  It was a wonderful way to say good-bye to a job I really did love.

There was no anticipation or anxiety about "what's next" as I was winding down the chapter.  It felt completely natural.

I was asked if I was excited about leaving... While I am so happy to be able to be home with my kiddo and teach and write and live more fully, I am also sad.  I enjoy the work. There is a  hopefulness and optimism about the great possibilities the career offers.  So, no I'm not excited. 

I am grateful for an experience that was completely unexpected.  I am thankful that I have new friends and a new perspective.

But this morning I didn't set an alarm.  When I did wake up there was no hurry, no place to be.  I did a few chores. Had coffee with my husband.  I settled into a way of living that is truthful to who I am.

What are you going to do?

So, I cried.... but I did the thing. 

I had played the conversation over and over in my head.  I knew exactly what I was going to say and how I was going to say it. 

Then.  Then damn it, the tears. 

Do I wish I hadn't gotten emotional?  Yes. 
Yes, because once the waterworks began I lost my train of thought. And probably a little respect. 

Mostly no though.  I am not ashamed that I felt something and that I was overwhelmed by it.  It means I'm not hard.  I'm not jaded.  It's truthful to who I am.  And I think I might have been losing a little of that part of myself trying to work in the box of a 50+ an hour work week. 

I feel horrible for not making it work.... professionally. 
Personally, a tremendous weight has been lifted.  At the end of the day my life and choices are mine and I have to feel confident that I did what was necessary to be happy.
The time at the job, though I loved what I was doing... it wrecked me.I was tired ALL the time.  I was feeling so much guilt for not being present as a mother, wife and friend.
And then I was reminded that not all things we love to do have to drain us while we give.  The things that light our soul on fire and energize us as we pour our energy into them... those are the things that we should do.

When going through the process of making the decision  a friend pointed out that I wasn't happy anymore.  No matter what I had been doing before... I had been happy. 

I was losing my light.

I was asked (as I sniffled through the conversation), "What are you going to do?" This bothered me SO much.  But,  it also solidified my decision to leave.
Because 'what I do' for money does not define me.
Will I have to get creative so I can still contribute financially?  Definitely.  Will it be challenging?  Is there sacrifice?  Of course, yes.

I would rather define myself by living (and working) in a way that is open to possibility.  

I have been trying to teach this philosophy to my daughter since day 1.  I just forgot for a little while. 

The view from here, from this place of possibility is looking bright.  And my heart is a whole lot lighter.

The very best part is the time I am getting with my people, my tribe and my kid.  For me, nothing else matters as much.  Nor does anything compare.

Set Yourself Free...

I give complete effort.  I pour myself into what speaks to me.... or what needs to be done.
I would (and have) worked myself into unnecessary living  because I thought 'it' was more important to see things through.
I also realize that life is too short to continue down a path that doesn't serve happiness.

I know what makes me happy.  I know where to find my joy.  Sometimes I ignore that path because it's not always possible to be in the life you want... sometimes you have to be in the moment of creation of that reality.
It takes time.  It takes sacrifice.  But sacrifice comes in many different forms.

It's also realizing your truth.  And being in that truth is not always sunshine and daisies.  SOMETIMES it's dealing with the bullshit for a few hours to have a month of joy.  As long as there is something to keep you on course.

My course has changed.

Right now.  I am trying to adjust.  I know where I want to be.  But, there is a block and obligations with responsibilities I have committed myself too.  There are future plans that might be affected.
And I loathe it.  I loathe this wait time. This patience.   Not because I want to be irresponsible... rather two different worlds of responsibility are calling to me.  I know the path I want.  And I'm not sure if I'm waiting to move or if I can't.

I have discussed the future of both paths with my Hubs and my friends. I have pondered and contemplated.

We all know the truth; everything could end tomorrow.  So the question becomes, "Have I lived my life in a way that when I leave I have no regrets."

And right now, if I don't make a change, I will have regrets.  They're not here yet.... but the seeds have been planted. 

No...

There really are not enough hours in a day... At least for me. And ALL of the things I want to do. I want to fill my time with beauty and joy and love. 

Still loving the new job. But it takes up most of the hours. 

Teaching. So much joy! I'm not ready to give up my yoga classes. I think I might be getting close.... I've whittled it down to two. And every week I think I'm finished, I'm ready to walk away. Then I go to the studio. I connect with my students. I connect with the practice. 

The magazine.  I adore being a part of the conversation The Perpetual You has started. I have evolved as a contributing writer... I hope. 

Time has been slipping away from lately because I'm doing too much. If I was single and childless I wouldn't feel the pinch. But that's not my life, and I don't want it to be. Because Hubs and Coco, they are the reason, the motivation and my everything. Unfortunately, they have been the ones getting the short end of my days. 

My absence has effected all of us.  It was time to say 'no' to something. Family time needed to replace 'work'. 

I wrote the above a few months ago... And now, I'm still in the same place. Except now, I've given up my classes, and writing and Hubs is tending bar at night. Because I dug in my heels. Because I loved my job. 

Life lesson. Priorities should be assessed... Especially when you think you have it figured out. 

Now.  Now I'm feeling trapped. I'm feeling lost. 

And I'm drowning in wine and lack of sleep starving for my love. 

So now? 

Now... I'm through playing the 9-5 (ahem, 8-6).  I would rather live bohemian and still have time....

There really is no reason to vacillate. I will always choose love.